My daughter and I are having a bit of difficulty. I don't know that she is having as many issues as I am, but alas, there are tears on both ends and some loose nerves on mine.
The poor dear found herself the first in the family with the Nasty Cold of Winter 2008-09 in the past few weeks (who hasn't?). And it hung on, until we were all miserable. But through it all she demanded I hold her. And nurse her. Hold her some more. And then more holding. And well, I couldn't put her down for anything. Not even to sleep. The little clinger would either connect herself to my breast to "nurse" (and I do realize at this point it was for total comfort instead of nutrition) and/or scream bloody murder at the idea of me leaving her side. Even when I was miserably sick with a sinus headache that made me want to vomit and cuddle deep under the covers where I could hear not a peep from anyone. Including a screaming sickly baby.
At the tail end of that madness, saying we breezed through that cold is lying. I kicked and screamed as much as my daughter at what I had to go through to get better... and that included 2 days off of work. Which for most would mean they were getting better and resting. For me, meant I was at home with my sickly/screaming daughter just making it through the day without killing someone.
But this moodiness, this
clinginess, this screaming? It's not just because she is sick. Really, it's been going on since
December. Only difference is--when she is NOT sick, every now and again I get that giggle and smile that make me think that hey, carrying her on my arm 24 hours a day is just fine and perfect. I mean she is likely our last
kidling, how bad can it be? Well. Try it for 3 days. Then 7. Then 20 and you tell me. It is nearing 60 or more days on this end, when you catch up tell me how you feel.
My husband (bless him) has tried. He's tended to her needs. Changed a diaper while she screamed for me, held her (literally for dear life) in the other room while I went to the restroom. Tried to comfort her at 2am and a myriad of other things. But all end in even more screaming, both parties being frustrated, and nothing close to relaxation for me. Right now, the only way to "get away" from it all, is to literally get away. Which, when you pay for a babysitter 5 days a week so you can go to a paying job, is hard to justify on the weekends. Not to mention, I pay for being away that extra day. Quite literally.
Saying my daughter is strong-willed, is an understatement. It is pure fact. And, hey, it is a lovely attribute, when it isn't intruding on my sanity. And that is exactly what it is doing right now. I need time for me. To recharge. Hell, I'd love to write and read and just take a bath. But at the moment, I just need breathing room. It's taken me over an hour to get this much of my thoughts written for this post because The Peanut has demanded my lap (to cuddle) and my breast (to nurse) and my heart (since she just doesn't give up).
Sure, sure my son had some of these same tendencies. But Dad could step in and entertain him for a 15 minute spell. And it lasted a few weeks here and there and suddenly he'd become independent and give me some relief. But this daughter 'o mine? Not happening. And here I was hoping for a Daddy's Girl.
It's not that I don't cherish moments with her--I do. I mean just this morning after a night of crying out every hour or so for no reason other than that she is developmentally working through something in her brain--she reached up, touched my cheek and when I opened my eyes, she grinned wide and said, "Mama." I melted. Just until she then screeched, "
UUUUP!" and then kicked her feet furiously until I obeyed.
Parenting kicks your ass. It shows you how easy you had it before, but what wonderful creatures children are. You wonder how you lived life without them in your life, but in the same breath wait for a moment alone so you feel like your old self again. As much as I know it is "wrong" to complain about my children and husband in every breath--it's happening on most days. All because I just need a little room to be selfish. And, even though I've requested it through various angles, they always become foiled (this last time due to this sickness hell of the past month). I'm becoming monotonous. It's an old story--suburban mom worn out, tired, cranky, and selfish. But yet, it's consumed me to the point that I am just tired.
We went to an indoor
water park this past weekend to rid ourselves of the winter blues. The plan was to spend the day splashing in the water, relaxing and pretending it was summer. Unfortunately, I felt nothing of the sort. I did rid myself of the overwhelming urge to plan and work through issues in the day job (which is the point of a vacation day), but spend most of the rest of the day chasing my 18-mo-old daughter from going too deep in the water, pulling her away from the "big kid" water slides, and then trying to warm her up from the chilled air (into the hot tub). The young toddler stage is always hard--the kids won't stand still for more than a minute--but I felt very little relax and have fun time. Hell, I got one water slide ride for a 2 and a half hour ordeal. Again, it isn't because the husband didn't try to amuse my daughter, nope, she just wanted to hang on my leg and then cry TO ME when she didn't get to follow her brother into the slide area.
But again, you see my point, I should have enjoyed the time, instead I felt myself trying not to become agitated. And my husband reminded me pointedly of my attitude when I was ready to bite my
son's head off for pointing the water canon my way (thank God for husbands that tell you like it is). Sure in the end, I did relax a little. But I will admit, I was more thankful (and rested) when both kids fell asleep in the car on the way home. And that, to me, is pretty sad. And even more sad that a whole 40 minutes later, The Peanut
back on my hip, was crying and moaning because her nose was draining and she didn't like any of the food I offered up to her.
I'd like to hope this is the start of the Terrible Twos a bit early. But in reality, I just know I have a strong-willed, stubborn, gonna-do-what-I-want sorta daughter. And, although, I think that is a good thing in the bigger picture of her life... right now, I just want a little down time from it all. I need all the rest I can get before she turns 13.
Labels: family, life, me, parenting, The Peanut
Last week I read Anna Johnson's THE YUMMY MUMMY MANIFESTO. She's all about choosing your own parenting style and a little bit of nakedness. Sometimes in the rain. What does this have to do with me and my old sleeping habits? Not a whole helluva lot--except maybe if I was a bit more free-living, I'd enjoy being naked more. Or say I lost a good 50 lbs. Though I must say, still nursing, I just don't wear a shirt half the time anymore. It's easier. At least when I am at home.
