Only Child by Deborah Siegel & Daphne Uviller
I'm married to an Only. To which, I am not. I have one sister a couple years younger. One who, we don't always see eye-to-eye (toy-to-toy, life chance-to-life-chance) but, we are nonetheless sisters to the core. Mess with her, you mess with me (yes, that's the Big Sister/Brother Mantra. And it still stands today). Sibling life, after being married for over 9 years to an Only, I realize is different. At least to one that is an Only.Early on, when my husband was only a boyfriend, we did the obligatory holiday visit to the families. We started at my parent's home. Hugs, kisses, presents, tree-decorating, food, and of course, the annual sisterly fight. That particularly year, it only took about 5 hours.
My sister was still in high school. I'd come home from college with my boyfriend and, for once, was ready for a little family time. It didn't bother me to chit chat with mom and dad in front of the illuminated fire place and reminisce, discuss politics, and even come to terms with my last term's grades. I was, what-can-I-call-it, being treated almost like an adult. And with a man at my side, I almost felt like one. At least until my sister decided she was bored. Friends started calling non-stop and she expected to be able to take the car for a night on the town. On Christmas Eve.
Initially, whether I was showing off for this boyfriend or to my parents my new found grown-upedness, I kept my trap shut. I think I even offered a thin smile to what-would-become-my-future-husband and tried to let it roll off my shoulders. My sister, barely sixteen, kept badgering my parent's authority. Chiming in to say how "she never gets to do anything," and about how "unfair it was that they were keeping her home." She even went so far as to say that they were "ruining her life." Remembering my year at 16, the feelings were normal. Ones I likely shared too. Not in that way of course. I was the eldest. Surely, I didn't storm off in tantrums and slam doors. But then of course, my sister, master of pushing my buttons (as all siblings are), did the abdominal--she pulled the sister card. "You would have let Beth do it!" she screamed from the top of the stairs.
Whether this was a dig at my parent's parenting ability or at at myself didn't matter, my blood immediately boiled. I digressed into behaving like a ten-year-old and stomped upstairs to have an "adult" word with my sister. Why didn't she want to spend time with me (it wasn't every weekend I was home from college)? Did she not want to meet my boyfriend? Be with mom and dad?
The fight, accusing, combative, combustive--all sisterly, all sibling related. Even the jab at my adolescent rights (and no, my parents wouldn't have let me take the car to visit friends on Christmas Eve. This was notoriously a "family night"). Nothing really out of the ordinary. Except maybe that I had a boyfriend sitting downstairs, foolishly grinning and trying to get along with my parents without my presence at his side.
But for my eventual husband? This "argument?" The futility of it all. Unreasonable explosiveness. The very fact that it turned into a sister fight over nothing--appalled him! How could I? She was my sister! I had a sister, one that albeit immature sometimes (at least at 16), but a sibling nonetheless... why fight? He obviously was oblivious. I reasoned my actions to him--showed the bones of contention, why her jab had wounded my feelings, why if my parents DID let her take the car it would dishonor me... and well, it all fell on deaf ears. He was still laughing at my pointed list of reasons why I was mad. All he could understand was that she was my sister. Period. Who cares if she left to visit friends? We'd visited over dinner. After dinner. Tomorrow... and of course, put in those terms. He was (probably) right. At least in that moment.
The thing is--by experiencing that moment then, and reliving it now--I can see, how as an only child, the moment was funny. If not excruciatingly embarrassing for him. He didn't get it. The fighting. And the fact that she's my sister, getting on each other's nerves is part of the big picture. Part of being siblings. Part of who we are and our relationship.
That is where I missed the point. He didn't know. As an Only--it was him and his parents. And that relationship would require an entire post itself to dissect. It was tumultuous in good times. Being a girlfriend (and now wife) of an only son had a mountain of expectations to complicate matters. Family names had to be taken into consideration. What about future children. What about holidays--we have no other children to make them special. The need and wants for their son's (full) attention. Being on-call for parents when they need them... the list was endless. And here I'd thought this one-ness might make it less complicated.
ONLY CHILD dissects the Only mystery. It's full of insight and honesty for all the nuances of what being an Only means--whether that is content, lonely, jealous, insightful, always feeling on the outside. Each essay gave me a little ity bit more insight into my husband's brain. His hard-wired one-ness. It's complicated! I had no idea that the idea of turning to a someone special instead of one's parents for advice was so life changing (Laundry Distance by Lynn Harris). Or the burdens of losing a parent (we all know that is hard, really hard)--can be especially burdening on a single-child (Dodging Laurie by Daphne Uviller). Sure this seems obviouss, but THINK about it some more. Only child, only responsiblity (and unfortunatley, this year, The Husband has had first hand experience at this). Or the fact that no matter what you do as an only child--you're it. The everything--and mostly high expectations follow (You're It by Betty Rollin).
All of this is nothing new--if I thought about it enough. But coming from the writings of other Onlies? Well it gives me more of a perspective of what it might have been like growing up like my husband. Or why, when we decided to have children--it was always children, not a child. His deepest want was admitted, he always wanted a sibling.
Thoughtful, heart-wrenching, honest, and funny--these writers brought it to life for me. The life of an Only is just as complicated as those with Siblings. And now you have a little insight into why. Take a look at the author's websites, blog, interviews (all below), and more:
- Deborah Siegel's Website
- Girl With Pen - Deborha's Blog
- Interview with Deborah
- Daphne Uviller's Website
- Publisher's website
- Purchase the book from Amazon
*This post brought to you by the lovely ladies at MotherTalk. And the Publisher. Love that I get a chance to read and relate to these authors and their work. It truly is a labor of love.
Labels: blog tour, MotherTalk, reading, reviews
