The In Crowd
From my earliest memories of childhood, I found myself trying to fit in with the "In Crowd." Ridiculous rituals of make-up, hair teasing, and tearing cheap brand tags off of jeans kept me busy through middle school. High school had me watching my mouth, teetering between friends to find the best fit--and always looking in from the outside. Never seeming to have "what it takes" to be an In Member. And now in adulthood, I find I'm doing the same thing. At least on the inside.
I work well with others (really). I play nice. And on most days, I would be considered out-going, responsible, and on top of my game. Especially at work. At home that could be debatable, depending on how much laundry has piled up and if last week's dinner dishes are still molding in the dishwasher. Then again, if the kids are happy, healthy, and fed, I guess that could be called "having it together."
If I happen to be at a party of any kind (these days they tend to be playgroups or work associated events), you'll be sure to find me socializing, and looking a little bit like "I belong." One might even say, a part of an "In Crowd." But in reality, it is me projecting what I hope is the right look. Talking the talk of the moment, and trying super hard to be who all those people around me want me to be. Sure, I'm being myself. But the Super-Charged Self that has it all under control. Not the Self-Wallowing One that is, well, wondering what the hell I am really doing at this party.
If it is a work thing, well, who can every really put their hair down at those things? Usually you are in some project related discussion or dissing someone in another team. And then the discussion always ends up about past projects, future company speculations, and well... it's not any different than a day at the office.
Playgroups are wrought in discussions (and bragging) about our children. Honestly. Let's compare notes, is little Jimmy (2 months) talking yet? I swear Shelly is! And back and forth, back and forth. Of course, not all playgroups are like this (at least outwardly. Or all the time). But then the conversation just revolves around husbands, yard work, and who has the most wine or scrapbooks at one time. Am I a little jaded? Sure. I never have enough wine in the house and I am the farthest from a scrap booker you can ever find. In fact, I can't really stand the idea of scrap booking.
Which leads me to a really good question. At what type of function would I feel comfortable? A writer's meeting would be an obvious choice right? Wrong. I'd still not feel like I belonged. I mean to write is to write. But to write and be published means validation. I'm not really validated yet. Stupid correlation--I know--but it's what is in the back of my head. And thus, makes me have this weird little voice chiming in my head about not belonging.
You see how this is cyclical right? I mean, do I fit in anywhere? Maybe in a situation where it is me, the kids, and the husband. Hell, I can't hide the real me from them. Or more accurately, I refuse to do that. They deserve Mom/Wife/Woman. And they get it. Which, I guess, puts me in an In Crowd, doesn't it?
Now I just have to find a way to move my In Crowd into Other Crowds and make it feel the same way. Because it would just make me feel a helluva lot more confident. And assured that I'm not stuck in the rut of my childhood. It was really tiresome. And that kind of energy can be used elsewhere.
I work well with others (really). I play nice. And on most days, I would be considered out-going, responsible, and on top of my game. Especially at work. At home that could be debatable, depending on how much laundry has piled up and if last week's dinner dishes are still molding in the dishwasher. Then again, if the kids are happy, healthy, and fed, I guess that could be called "having it together."
If I happen to be at a party of any kind (these days they tend to be playgroups or work associated events), you'll be sure to find me socializing, and looking a little bit like "I belong." One might even say, a part of an "In Crowd." But in reality, it is me projecting what I hope is the right look. Talking the talk of the moment, and trying super hard to be who all those people around me want me to be. Sure, I'm being myself. But the Super-Charged Self that has it all under control. Not the Self-Wallowing One that is, well, wondering what the hell I am really doing at this party.
If it is a work thing, well, who can every really put their hair down at those things? Usually you are in some project related discussion or dissing someone in another team. And then the discussion always ends up about past projects, future company speculations, and well... it's not any different than a day at the office.
Playgroups are wrought in discussions (and bragging) about our children. Honestly. Let's compare notes, is little Jimmy (2 months) talking yet? I swear Shelly is! And back and forth, back and forth. Of course, not all playgroups are like this (at least outwardly. Or all the time). But then the conversation just revolves around husbands, yard work, and who has the most wine or scrapbooks at one time. Am I a little jaded? Sure. I never have enough wine in the house and I am the farthest from a scrap booker you can ever find. In fact, I can't really stand the idea of scrap booking.
Which leads me to a really good question. At what type of function would I feel comfortable? A writer's meeting would be an obvious choice right? Wrong. I'd still not feel like I belonged. I mean to write is to write. But to write and be published means validation. I'm not really validated yet. Stupid correlation--I know--but it's what is in the back of my head. And thus, makes me have this weird little voice chiming in my head about not belonging.
You see how this is cyclical right? I mean, do I fit in anywhere? Maybe in a situation where it is me, the kids, and the husband. Hell, I can't hide the real me from them. Or more accurately, I refuse to do that. They deserve Mom/Wife/Woman. And they get it. Which, I guess, puts me in an In Crowd, doesn't it?
Now I just have to find a way to move my In Crowd into Other Crowds and make it feel the same way. Because it would just make me feel a helluva lot more confident. And assured that I'm not stuck in the rut of my childhood. It was really tiresome. And that kind of energy can be used elsewhere.
