The Ties of Passage
My son got his first tie this past week. As much as I would like to tell you that he wore it to a very special occasion like a wedding, birthday party, or baptism. Well, it wasn't. It was for the second funeral we've attended in the last 3 weeks.
Only a few weeks ago, I alluded to the first death. The death that hit my son the hardest--his grandma (my husband's mother). It was unexpected. Completely by surprise. And literally just before the holidays. It shook us all in profound ways that I cannot (still) begin to explain. But for a five-year-old? Well he cares about the basics. Were her eyes closed when she died? Can I bring her back with a little magic? Why do we all have to look at her (in reference to the wake viewing)? And why did she die?
That last question--well seemingly innocent--definitely the hardest to answer. Even in the best of circumstances (if there is such a thing with death). I won't go into details here, but let me just say this. She didn't have cancer or live in a hospital. Something that was really explainable to a young child. There was no warning or preparation. It just happened. A day after he'd talked to her on the phone about mundane things--cartoons, his latest drawing, and the never-ending Christmas events at school. But before he could call her to share what Santa had brought him over-night, she passed. And he had to deal with grief for the first time.
Unfortunately, that wasn't it. For any of us. We had another death--my son's great-grandfather (my mother-in-law's dad) and more questions arose. Why do we have another funeral? We just went to one. Why did the old grandpa die now too? Do we all get sick and die? Do we have to stare at him again too? But the killer, was this last statement he made after we told him we only had one service to attend (they combined a wake and funeral into one).
"We had two funerals for grandma because we loved her so much. Right mom?"
Yep, buddy that's why. And also why you wore your first tie to the funerals. To show off just how grown up you really are. At 5.
Only a few weeks ago, I alluded to the first death. The death that hit my son the hardest--his grandma (my husband's mother). It was unexpected. Completely by surprise. And literally just before the holidays. It shook us all in profound ways that I cannot (still) begin to explain. But for a five-year-old? Well he cares about the basics. Were her eyes closed when she died? Can I bring her back with a little magic? Why do we all have to look at her (in reference to the wake viewing)? And why did she die?
That last question--well seemingly innocent--definitely the hardest to answer. Even in the best of circumstances (if there is such a thing with death). I won't go into details here, but let me just say this. She didn't have cancer or live in a hospital. Something that was really explainable to a young child. There was no warning or preparation. It just happened. A day after he'd talked to her on the phone about mundane things--cartoons, his latest drawing, and the never-ending Christmas events at school. But before he could call her to share what Santa had brought him over-night, she passed. And he had to deal with grief for the first time.
Unfortunately, that wasn't it. For any of us. We had another death--my son's great-grandfather (my mother-in-law's dad) and more questions arose. Why do we have another funeral? We just went to one. Why did the old grandpa die now too? Do we all get sick and die? Do we have to stare at him again too? But the killer, was this last statement he made after we told him we only had one service to attend (they combined a wake and funeral into one).
"We had two funerals for grandma because we loved her so much. Right mom?"
Yep, buddy that's why. And also why you wore your first tie to the funerals. To show off just how grown up you really are. At 5.
