15 Days of Freedom Left
Being more than a bit dismayed at how fast 10 weeks and some few days of maternity leave has passed, I've become a bit melancholy. Or if I really think about it, depressed.
In fact, it is quite clear that there are some sour feelings about the change that will occur come the third of December because I am eating us out of house and home. Sure, I'm nursing and that takes up-- what an additional 500 calories a day or so. But when I am eating an additional 3 times that amount in snacks, chocolate, and flavored mochas? Well, you see the problem. At least weight-wise. The real problem though is emotionally.
I'm all for mothers working--however they manage the child care and make it work for themselves. And in fact, my son from the time he was 2 years old until today--I worked in an office full time (and part time) and it was all a-okay. But this time around, with an extended absences from work with my daughter? It's really (really) hard to return.
It might be because I have been able to be home with her for so long, I've actually relaxed (with my son, I'd only taken 6 weeks off and then dove right back into work full time). Or it might be that I have actually "found my mother self." Or all of the 800 reasons between. However, any which way you look at it, the chaos of my life when work gets thrown back in--is not something I am looking forward to.
If all my conference calls could be done via instant messaging and e-mail? Well, I might be happier. Oh, and deadlines would have to be a bit more lax. And those pain in the ass projects (you know the ones you hate but have to do anyway)? Well, I'd just rather not do them.
On so many levels, as much as I need a non-mothering outlet, I'd love to focus on my writing. I mean, sure, I've had all maternity leave to write and NOW I am deciding to get serious I get melancholy about it--but the truth is, my brain couldn't focus on a whole bunch except these short blog pieces and some odds and ends writing until now. I mean, I'm producing milk to sustain a child and waking at all hours of the day and night--who can put together long, strung together thoughts?
Now, I'll have to get back on active duty at Corporate America and it is likely to suck the little ity bit of energy that has stirred in the back of my brain into all that work stuff. The insignificant crap that gets me a decent pay check. My writing will again be put a bit farther down the list of things to get done (don't worry--not too far down the list, just one--or two-rungs lower). And that makes me more than a bit sad. Unless of course I write like a banshee for 15 days and produce half a novel.
To which, I won't even try to set expectations like that. I know better. With the holiday and all... well it is impossible. Right?
In fact, it is quite clear that there are some sour feelings about the change that will occur come the third of December because I am eating us out of house and home. Sure, I'm nursing and that takes up-- what an additional 500 calories a day or so. But when I am eating an additional 3 times that amount in snacks, chocolate, and flavored mochas? Well, you see the problem. At least weight-wise. The real problem though is emotionally.
I'm all for mothers working--however they manage the child care and make it work for themselves. And in fact, my son from the time he was 2 years old until today--I worked in an office full time (and part time) and it was all a-okay. But this time around, with an extended absences from work with my daughter? It's really (really) hard to return.
It might be because I have been able to be home with her for so long, I've actually relaxed (with my son, I'd only taken 6 weeks off and then dove right back into work full time). Or it might be that I have actually "found my mother self." Or all of the 800 reasons between. However, any which way you look at it, the chaos of my life when work gets thrown back in--is not something I am looking forward to.
If all my conference calls could be done via instant messaging and e-mail? Well, I might be happier. Oh, and deadlines would have to be a bit more lax. And those pain in the ass projects (you know the ones you hate but have to do anyway)? Well, I'd just rather not do them.
On so many levels, as much as I need a non-mothering outlet, I'd love to focus on my writing. I mean, sure, I've had all maternity leave to write and NOW I am deciding to get serious I get melancholy about it--but the truth is, my brain couldn't focus on a whole bunch except these short blog pieces and some odds and ends writing until now. I mean, I'm producing milk to sustain a child and waking at all hours of the day and night--who can put together long, strung together thoughts?
Now, I'll have to get back on active duty at Corporate America and it is likely to suck the little ity bit of energy that has stirred in the back of my brain into all that work stuff. The insignificant crap that gets me a decent pay check. My writing will again be put a bit farther down the list of things to get done (don't worry--not too far down the list, just one--or two-rungs lower). And that makes me more than a bit sad. Unless of course I write like a banshee for 15 days and produce half a novel.
To which, I won't even try to set expectations like that. I know better. With the holiday and all... well it is impossible. Right?
Labels: motherhood, working, writing, writing life
