The Honeymoon's Over
The truth of it all is that I am having a hard time relaxing. I'm constantly fiddling with diapers, laundry, dishes, and... well nursing a 3 week old kid, attending small lunches with friends (to show off the baby of course), and finding a spare moment to spend quality time with the Kiddo. Before I know it, my time away from work will be over and I'll have to go back. And, well, I won't have relaxed and enjoyed my time with The Peanut.
Is this normal? I mean, when I was preparing for my leave I had grand plans of afternoons of motherhood. Pure, uninterrupted motherhood. The days I dream about when I am in the midst of a work deadline and have spent over 8 hours on conference calls and still have about 4 hours (or more) of work to complete to make our dates. And here I am, anxious. Nervous. Stomach turning almost every morning and afternoon with unfounded nervousness that I can't quite put a finger on for a cause.
And then there is the whole going back to work. And as much as I don't want to admit--I don't want to go back. Again. I didn't when I had The Kiddo, and I'm at that place again. I'd like to think that is the reason why my stomach can't quite settle itself and why I just can't enjoy my motherhood skin (because, well, I won't be able to continue that precedent when I go back to work). But somewhere in my skull, I think it is more than that.
My hunch is that it all comes down to security. And all the unspoken mom stuff that we don't always talk about. Of course the is the exhaustion. The bone dry, hard working, keeping a baby alive exhaustion that comes along for the first year of life. Then there is all the uncertainty around a new being--is this how they want to sleep, are they still breathing, what was that noise they just made, and how can I make it through another restless night of no sleep--and well, just all that stuff that makes us mothers. And then there are all the questions. Endless questions from what I can only hope are well-intentioned family and friends. How is the baby sleeping (she isn't, she's 3 weeks old)? How is she eating (constantly, that is what they do at 3 weeks)? Is she crying all the time (only when we change her diaper and she is hungry)? How are you sleeping (see response to the first question, I am not)? Are you napping when she is napping (um, I have to eat and urinate every now and again don't I)? How about overwhelmed, are you there yet (when haven't I been)?
You get the idea. As much as all of these people really think they are helping. Or at least making conversation and small talk--it really doesn't help my stomach. Or nerves. Not only do I feel like a broken record, repeating the answers over and over, I feel like every time I answer I am failing in some way. Not that any answer is failing--but it seems everyone knows someone who had a newborn sleep in 4 hour stints or more right from the womb (and if you DO know someone like this, please get them in touch with me... I tend to think that is some urban myth). And then it just makes me feel like shit because of course, I am not sleeping a wink (well I am sleeping but about 2 hours at a time if I am lucky).
And then there is the age old emotion all mothers feel. Whether you intend to or not (or whether you try to suppress it or not)--Worry. Constant worrying.
I never lost that worry with my son. And now with my daughter it is compounded almost three-fold. And I'm sitting right in the middle of it when all I want to do is enjoy this time away from work. Away from my normal life. I want to hold my son at night to tell him I love him one extra time--instead of logging back onto work to finish up some final details for a project. I want to nurse and hold my daughter long into the night so that I can watch her little hidden smiles she shares deep in her sleep (at least until I see those same smiles in the day time). I want to spend weeks away from my cell phone and computer checking text messages and e-mails that require my immediate attention. I want to use the part of my brain reserved for all those work details for something more valuable, like more family memories of late fall days of doing nothing, but everything with my kids and family.
Instead, I can't relax. I can't let go. And I can't seem to get it out of my head that I am now a mother of two that still knows nothing about how to enjoy her time as "just a mom." Because right now, I'd love to be just a mom for at least another 13 more weeks and remember every second of it.
Is this normal? I mean, when I was preparing for my leave I had grand plans of afternoons of motherhood. Pure, uninterrupted motherhood. The days I dream about when I am in the midst of a work deadline and have spent over 8 hours on conference calls and still have about 4 hours (or more) of work to complete to make our dates. And here I am, anxious. Nervous. Stomach turning almost every morning and afternoon with unfounded nervousness that I can't quite put a finger on for a cause.
And then there is the whole going back to work. And as much as I don't want to admit--I don't want to go back. Again. I didn't when I had The Kiddo, and I'm at that place again. I'd like to think that is the reason why my stomach can't quite settle itself and why I just can't enjoy my motherhood skin (because, well, I won't be able to continue that precedent when I go back to work). But somewhere in my skull, I think it is more than that.
My hunch is that it all comes down to security. And all the unspoken mom stuff that we don't always talk about. Of course the is the exhaustion. The bone dry, hard working, keeping a baby alive exhaustion that comes along for the first year of life. Then there is all the uncertainty around a new being--is this how they want to sleep, are they still breathing, what was that noise they just made, and how can I make it through another restless night of no sleep--and well, just all that stuff that makes us mothers. And then there are all the questions. Endless questions from what I can only hope are well-intentioned family and friends. How is the baby sleeping (she isn't, she's 3 weeks old)? How is she eating (constantly, that is what they do at 3 weeks)? Is she crying all the time (only when we change her diaper and she is hungry)? How are you sleeping (see response to the first question, I am not)? Are you napping when she is napping (um, I have to eat and urinate every now and again don't I)? How about overwhelmed, are you there yet (when haven't I been)?
You get the idea. As much as all of these people really think they are helping. Or at least making conversation and small talk--it really doesn't help my stomach. Or nerves. Not only do I feel like a broken record, repeating the answers over and over, I feel like every time I answer I am failing in some way. Not that any answer is failing--but it seems everyone knows someone who had a newborn sleep in 4 hour stints or more right from the womb (and if you DO know someone like this, please get them in touch with me... I tend to think that is some urban myth). And then it just makes me feel like shit because of course, I am not sleeping a wink (well I am sleeping but about 2 hours at a time if I am lucky).
And then there is the age old emotion all mothers feel. Whether you intend to or not (or whether you try to suppress it or not)--Worry. Constant worrying.
I never lost that worry with my son. And now with my daughter it is compounded almost three-fold. And I'm sitting right in the middle of it when all I want to do is enjoy this time away from work. Away from my normal life. I want to hold my son at night to tell him I love him one extra time--instead of logging back onto work to finish up some final details for a project. I want to nurse and hold my daughter long into the night so that I can watch her little hidden smiles she shares deep in her sleep (at least until I see those same smiles in the day time). I want to spend weeks away from my cell phone and computer checking text messages and e-mails that require my immediate attention. I want to use the part of my brain reserved for all those work details for something more valuable, like more family memories of late fall days of doing nothing, but everything with my kids and family.
Instead, I can't relax. I can't let go. And I can't seem to get it out of my head that I am now a mother of two that still knows nothing about how to enjoy her time as "just a mom." Because right now, I'd love to be just a mom for at least another 13 more weeks and remember every second of it.
Labels: baby, motherhood, parenting, working
