In an attempt to be cool
I think it was the 8th grade when I realized I wasn't a part of the cool crowd. Or maybe I finally hit the age of pre-puberty where there finally were cool crowds and not so cool crowds. But, regardless, it is my first memory of wanting to fit in and realizing I was far from it.
It might have been because I really did enjoy school and got good grades. Or the fact that my family couldn't afford the expensive clothes, or just the fact that I just didn't have what it took to be cool. And it crushed me.
I used to sit by the big tree--near the center of the school yard (no kissing happened behind it as it was too center in the playground, but a few fights broke out near it-since well, it was CENTER)--and watch the cool crowd walk on by and back around the school only to venture on passed about 10 minutes later when they had made the lap around the school. That is what you did if you were cool--walk around the school during recess. Laugh. Point. And watch all those that wanted to be like you. I'd watch them, mostly in silence with my 2 pals--still very good friends of mine--and we'd try to decipher the cool code. The one that made you an INSIDER.
"They hate us," S* says and kicks the dirt onto the tree for the fifth time in the last lap of the building.
"No they don't" R* would respond fiddling with the snap on her jean jacket sleeve.
"Did you see how they just sneered over here?" I'd glance up at them from my seated position at the foot of the tree.
"Your imagining it," R looked over at me, "Cause your still caught up in the whole I-wanna-be-like-them-thing."
"So are you?" S shook her head in disgust, "We all wanna be like them."
"So why don't we?" I stood up wiping the red iron filled sand from my pant legs, "Let's do our won laps."
The girls gaped at me.
"Why not?"
"Cause we'd look like idiots," S kicked again walking to the back side of the tree.
"What they own the playground and we can't walk?"
"Well I don't want to piss them off..." (Yes we swore... who doesn't at 13?) R watched the hill where the cool kids would be rounding in the next minute and a half.
"Nor do we want to just sit here moping."
S sighed and walked around the tree sizing up the hill. The laughter from the cool crowd--all six of them--was increasing in intensity. They would be in view within seconds. She looked at me, ready to take on the world, then back at the hill. "All right," she grinned the shit-ass, I can BEAT the world look, "Let's do it. What do we have to lose?"
And off we went. Walking IN FRONT of the cool crowd around the school building. Or at least that is what we would like to tell ourselves--and still tell ourselves today--until within one lap, the three of us, almost lapped the Cool Crowd or were instead followers--but, hey, it was the IDEA of walking in front of them that mattered.
Over time I've found the whole coolness factor just doesn't matter. I mean, I got into a great university, studied again, graduated, got a nice job. And another. And another... and well lived life. And even found another not-so-cool-guy that liked me for all my un-cool (and I'd like to think some of my cool) traits. We've found ourselves a home, a community, had a baby--and well have become what we are. People.
But the weird part is-- I still feel so very UNCOOL most of the time. Still looking onto other people and rate their coolness about mine. And try to devise schemes of becoming cool. And I KNOW it doesn't matter a lick about whether I am cool or not--no matter how you categorize it these days (hip, edgy, classy, sophisticated). I'll study the cool clothes. Shoes. Mannerisms. Career. Accomplishments. Lipstick. Friends. Habits. Hair styles. Cars. Homes. You name it, I'm taking notes and wondering why the hell I never feel like I fit in.
Really, I am 30, I should be over this right?
* Names are kept hidden to protect the innocent.
It might have been because I really did enjoy school and got good grades. Or the fact that my family couldn't afford the expensive clothes, or just the fact that I just didn't have what it took to be cool. And it crushed me.
I used to sit by the big tree--near the center of the school yard (no kissing happened behind it as it was too center in the playground, but a few fights broke out near it-since well, it was CENTER)--and watch the cool crowd walk on by and back around the school only to venture on passed about 10 minutes later when they had made the lap around the school. That is what you did if you were cool--walk around the school during recess. Laugh. Point. And watch all those that wanted to be like you. I'd watch them, mostly in silence with my 2 pals--still very good friends of mine--and we'd try to decipher the cool code. The one that made you an INSIDER.
"They hate us," S* says and kicks the dirt onto the tree for the fifth time in the last lap of the building.
"No they don't" R* would respond fiddling with the snap on her jean jacket sleeve.
"Did you see how they just sneered over here?" I'd glance up at them from my seated position at the foot of the tree.
"Your imagining it," R looked over at me, "Cause your still caught up in the whole I-wanna-be-like-them-thing."
"So are you?" S shook her head in disgust, "We all wanna be like them."
"So why don't we?" I stood up wiping the red iron filled sand from my pant legs, "Let's do our won laps."
The girls gaped at me.
"Why not?"
"Cause we'd look like idiots," S kicked again walking to the back side of the tree.
"What they own the playground and we can't walk?"
"Well I don't want to piss them off..." (Yes we swore... who doesn't at 13?) R watched the hill where the cool kids would be rounding in the next minute and a half.
"Nor do we want to just sit here moping."
S sighed and walked around the tree sizing up the hill. The laughter from the cool crowd--all six of them--was increasing in intensity. They would be in view within seconds. She looked at me, ready to take on the world, then back at the hill. "All right," she grinned the shit-ass, I can BEAT the world look, "Let's do it. What do we have to lose?"
And off we went. Walking IN FRONT of the cool crowd around the school building. Or at least that is what we would like to tell ourselves--and still tell ourselves today--until within one lap, the three of us, almost lapped the Cool Crowd or were instead followers--but, hey, it was the IDEA of walking in front of them that mattered.
Over time I've found the whole coolness factor just doesn't matter. I mean, I got into a great university, studied again, graduated, got a nice job. And another. And another... and well lived life. And even found another not-so-cool-guy that liked me for all my un-cool (and I'd like to think some of my cool) traits. We've found ourselves a home, a community, had a baby--and well have become what we are. People.
But the weird part is-- I still feel so very UNCOOL most of the time. Still looking onto other people and rate their coolness about mine. And try to devise schemes of becoming cool. And I KNOW it doesn't matter a lick about whether I am cool or not--no matter how you categorize it these days (hip, edgy, classy, sophisticated). I'll study the cool clothes. Shoes. Mannerisms. Career. Accomplishments. Lipstick. Friends. Habits. Hair styles. Cars. Homes. You name it, I'm taking notes and wondering why the hell I never feel like I fit in.
Really, I am 30, I should be over this right?
* Names are kept hidden to protect the innocent.
