The Search for Inner Tranquility
Seems my life has taken a path of its own. Not one I have exactly chosen, but one that others like to mold into their own. And I kick, fight, scream, and battle my own dreams, thoughts, and aspirations back into the picture. The big picture of my life.
As a mom it is hard enough to find time that you aren't mommying, or being a wife, or being a competent employee... But to actually reach for your dreams? As much as we talk about peace, tranquility, finding your inner self. It is all lip-service.
Where are the relatives, family, and friends when you need a whole 5 minutes of quiet to collect your thoughts? Your child is screaming on your knee, crying about a dirty shirt, or running after the dog full speak with a toy hammer aimed at its head- where are all these *volunteers* who gallantly offered their services unto you when you were pregnant with this child? All absorbed in their own lives. Living childless and free of the responsibility. Do they come around actually volunteering their services at your times of need?
I had countless friends, the childless ones, who were excited and the promise of a friend spawning a child, to see what it is really like to bear children, to be around and practice being a parent. Are they around now? No. Not even a simple phone call.
In the beginning I thought it was me. I thought I gibbered on too much about the pregnancy, expecting child, morning sickness, pregnancy moans, and then newborn madness, breastfeeding, you name it. But then I realized, with these *friends,* childless people, I did curb my talk of parenthood. I didn't talk about how I was up 8 times at night, had spit up on at least 3 shirts before I finally was able to escape the house with the current one on my back, endless goo goo and gaa gaa talk, and those precious moments that your new child falls asleep in your arms. I consciously made the effort not to tell them all of this. To not bore them with the details. And, as friends, did I get a phone call, or a helping hand as a favor? No. Nada.
All I received in return were less phone calls (we don't want to wake the baby). "Oops, we forgot to call- well, you know it was short notice." Or my favorite- "Where have you been?"
Now I know this whole thing begs another question- where is your family in all of this? 500 miles away. And when they are around, too busy to deal with a grandchild. Don't get me wrong, they play, hug, poke, and laugh all in the name of love. But, do they just swoop up and take the child away so mom and dad can get away (whether we are visiting them or they are at our house)? No. I guess it is too much to ask. Even when we hedge our bets and ask for a little down time, we will often get a half commitment. "Well, I was going to go shopping." Or "I thought we were going to do this together." And do they help with they hard stuff (naps, baths, diaper changes, and feeding time)? Obviously not. Just the fun, baby is not crying and easy to deal with moments. What happened to a family as community theory? What happened to hands-on grandparents?
So here I stand, as a grown woman, chanting to myself at mundane moments in my day, "Peace and tranquility. Peace and tranquility." Or probably more accurate, "Deep Breaths. Deep Breaths."
